


Pain (Born Into)

by Angst_BuriTTo



Series: Pain (Born Into) [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Amnesia, Amputation, Angst, Assassination, Blood, Body Horror, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky Barnes-centric, Chronic Pain, Dissociation, Gaslighting, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hydra (Marvel), Non-Consensual Body Modification, Paralysis, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, temporary paralysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-07 15:14:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18413237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angst_BuriTTo/pseuds/Angst_BuriTTo
Summary: The Asset remembers this;There has always been pain.





	Pain (Born Into)

 

* * *

 

 

What the Asset remembers is this:

 

There has never not been pain.

 

The first thing the Asset remembers is pain; his left arm crushed and bleeding and hanging on by muscle and sinew onto his destroyed bones. The snow stung at his exposed wound and resulted faintest twitching in the remaining limb that heightened the pain.

 

What was pain?

 

The Asset thinks that pain is something he was born to bare, born to hold in his limbs and his body, blanketed over him like a well-worn coat, something he was born into.

 

The Asset was born through pain, through searing agony, and it has been all it has known.

 

Blinking through the snow that caked his lashes as he lay on the ground, his arm sluggishly bleeding, the pain a background noise in the wash of _who am I_?

 

The Asset wondered what it was like to not be in pain.

 

He couldn’t remember a world without it.

 

When the men in fur hats came to him, exited words came from the men surrounding his limp form. They dragged his body towards a vehicle before lifting him up and throwing him onto a hard surface, his back giving a loud crack as he landed.

 

He couldn’t feel his legs.

 

Was this what it was like to feel no pain?

 

He thinks, maybe, it isn’t.

 

His arm still hurts.

 

(he passes out. His arm is on fire)

 

(he wakes up. He can feel his legs.)

 

(he wakes up and wishes he hadn’t.)

 

When his vision clears, he is on a table and they are cutting what little remains of his arm off.

 

The saw they use shines brightly under the medical lights and he thinks somebody else might have shined that brightly, once.

 

The saw hits bone.

 

(he blacks out.)

 

(he wakes up.)

 

(he wished he hadn’t)

 

His vision is hazy when he wakes, a foggy, dreamy layer over his sight that colors everything on an ethereal quality that makes him think nothing is real.

 

His arm hurts-

 

His arm was gone.

 

The metal replacing where a limb used to be pulls at his healing spine and ribs, _pull, pull pull_ -

 

(he chokes the scientist.)

 

(he blacks out)

 

The Soldier wakes and knows this:

 

Pain is punishment.

 

Pain is reward.

 

He knows nothing else.

 

It is all he knows.

 

(he is frozen.)

 

(he does not black out.)

 

(he wishes he had)

 

He wakes up cold.

 

His left arm hurts.

 

(he has no left arm)

 

(it itches)

 

(it _pulls_ -)

 

They tell him he was once a great Russian soldier, before being captured by the Americans and thrown off a cliff. They tell him he was loyal, and great. There best Asset.

 

He tells them he does not remember.

 

They are pleased.

 

( _why_ -)

 

They say that he had agreed to become their greatest asset far beyond any other soldier.

 

They tell him he had agreed to testing, to pain, to frozen sleep-

 

(he does not black out)

 

(he wishes he had)

 

-and to give up his freedom. They tell him freedom is a lie created by the American dogs who couldn’t run a shop let alone a country.  
He tells them he doesn’t remember.

 

(they are pleased)

 

They tell him that it is fine, that he might never remember,

 

They hand him a gun and tell him that he has a mission.

 

He will comply.

 

(his arm hurts-)

 

He kills a man while he walks down the street, from the top of a building almost 200 yards away.

 

The mans head cracks against the pavement and spills more blood then the bullet had caused.

 

He returns to base and is told well done.

 

(he freezes)

 

(he does not black out)

 

(he wishes he had)

 

* * *

  



End file.
